CLASSIC The Howard Stern Show May 22nd 2001

-- Tuesday May 22, 2001 --
Various Stuff. 5/22/01. 6:05am
Comedian Craig Gass was sitting in this morning doing his impressions.
Howard said tonight is the season finale of ''Buffy the Vampire Slayer'' and Howard just remembered that he hadn't seen last week's. Robin said she'd get it for him. Both Howard and Robin said they'd have their assistants work out the whole thing... what else are assistants for?

A listener called in and told Howard that he listened to a little bit of Imus one day and he said that Howard only wins in the ratings when he has Robin take off her top and expose her breasts. Robin said they must be doing that every day then because they always beat Imus. Howard went on to rag on Imus for a few minutes. At one point he even said he'd give Imus some publicity by challenging him to a beauty contest. He continued to talk about how Imus is like number 20 in every market he's on in and how he doesn't even come close to Howard's ratings.

The same caller got Howard rolling on hot chick talk too. He mentioned that Jessica Alba and Jennifer Lopez were named the hottest chicks in Hollywood by a two different magazines. Howard said he doesn't think that Jessica is all that sexy but if he saw her in person he might think differently. Howard said that he saw some disturbing pictures of Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock. Howard said it looks like Pam has shoved giant implants back in her chest after having them reduced a year or so ago. He said they're two misshapen lumps on her chest now.

Howard brought up the Mayor Giuliani mess that's going on in New York. Giuliani is trying to get rid of his wife Donna Hanover and she's making it tough on him. He apparently went to visit his mother in the hospital and Hanover showed up. Giuliani wanted her to leave but she refused. Howard and Robin were arguing with each other about what Giuliani should have done. Robin thinks that Giuliani should just let the woman visit her mother-in-law. Howard thinks Giuliani has the right to visit his mother in peace with out his wife there. After talking about all of the stuff that Giuliani and Hanover have been going through Howard wondered out loud why people even think about getting married these days. He said it can turn into this mess after a few short years or months for that matter. Howard said Giuliani was so in love with this woman at one point that he was just about stalking her. And now they're fighting over who can stay in the mayor's mansion.

Howard mentioned that this week is ''Fight Week'' on his E! show. The Crazy Cabbie vs. Angry Black stuff is on E! all this week at 11pm. They show more than they were able to show on the Saturday night syndicated show.

Howard said Gary handed him the FHM magazine that has the 100 sexiest women special in it. Howard said these magazines like FHM and Maxim really understand what guys want to see. The women aren't nude but they're close. Howard read through a bunch of the names on the list and commented on how hot some of the chicks are or aren't. Howard said he just doesn't get some of the women on the list. He mentioned Gillian Anderson, Melissa Joan Hart and Heidi Kluum as just a few that don't do it for him. Howard said he'd love to do Elizabeth Hurley, Nikki Cox, Mariah Carey, Heather Graham and many others. Howard read through the top 10 where Pamela Anderson and Carmen Electra are. Above them was Christina Aguilera. Howard agrees with that one but he doesn't believe that Jessica Alba should be number 6. He wasn't sure about Alyssa Milano being number 4. Denise Richards was number 3 and Howard doesn't think she should be up there. Howard doesn't get Jennifer Lopez being number one either.

Crazy Cabbie called in with a very hoarse voice. He was talking about some of the hot chicks on the list but Howard had to know why his voice was shot. Cabbie said he was at the Staind Unplugged shoot last night. He lost his voice yelling there. He told Howard that the band Staind are fans of Howard's and they want to do the show. Cabbie complained that R.E.M. delayed the show and held up Staind because they had to redo a few songs 5 times to get it right.

Deborah Norville Calls In. 5/22/01. 7:00am
Deborah Norville, host of Inside Edition, called in to talk about this song she did that Howard played on the show yesterday. She told Howard that the song was created to show the talents of the people behind the scenes of the music industry. Howard thinks that she's covering up the fact that she's trying to become a recording star by saying it's a story about behind the scenes stuff. He told Deborah that she's testing the waters to see if the song takes off. She even created a music video that they showed on last night's Inside Edition. Howard said he's got to see that. She doesn't wear anything sexy though. She told Howard that she's the mother of 3 so she doesn't wear any skimpy clothing.
Howard talked to Deborah about her life and how she must have been one of the hottest chicks in high school. She said she wasn't a cheerleader. She was on the track team and later entered a Junior Miss pageant but she swears she didn't wear a bathing suit in that competition. She said her specialty was sewing.

Howard played her song and even danced to it for a few seconds. He then played part of a Cher song that sounded very similar to Deborah's song.

Suzanne Somers Comes In. 5/22/01. 7:35am
Suzanne Somers came in this morning to promote her book ''Suzanne Somers' Eat, Cheat, and Melt the Fat Away'' and to talk about her fight with cancer.
Howard said Suzanne still looks great even after the cancer fight. He said that they weren't going to joke about the cancer but that only lasted a few minutes. Suzanne told Howard about her fight and how she was diagnosed with cancer last April. She went through radiation treatments that made her very sick. She decided to pass on the chemotherapy because she didn't want to be sick through the whole thing. She's got to take one more test of her bone marrow and if she's clean she can pass on the chemotherapy. If she's not clean, she'll have to do it. Howard was bothered that a woman who leads a healthy life got cancer. Suzanne said she never even smoked a cigarette in her life and she still got it. She told him that her sister also had cancer so she went to get a mammogram they found a lump in her breast. She had the cancerous tumor removed and the built up the breast to look like normal. She said they look pretty good too.

Howard brought up the story about Suzanne going to a liposuction clinic. Suzanne swears that she only had fluids removed at the clinic. She said after the radiation treatments she was bloated and just had some fluids removed from her body there. Apparently Jack Lallane was on some show saying that Suzanne shouldn't be putting out a book called ''Suzanne Somers' Eat, Cheat, and Melt the Fat Away'' if she's having her fat removed by liposuction. She says she's not and she stays thin using this diet of hers. She said that people like that should know what they're talking about before they make comments like that.

''Al Pacino's baby'' (Craig Gass) was in the studio and he told everyone to stop whining about the cancer and talk about what it's like to be circumcised. ''Al's Baby'' also asked Suzanne to check his balls for cancer. ''Gene Simmons'' (Gass again) was also in there talking about the KISS institute of Cancer research and how they're going to cure it. He even sang to Suzanne for a few seconds about her cancer. Howard made sure to point out that Suzanne was going braless today too.

Howard talked to Suzanne about her diet book and how that all works. She told him about the foods she's able to eat and how she stays thin even eating fatty foods. ''Sam Kinison'' chimed in and said that he's tried all of this diet stuff but he's still dead. Suzanne told him it's a little too late to diet if he's already dead.

Howard took a bunch of phone calls for Suzanne and there were a couple of people who just goofed on her cancer. Howard also talked to Suzanne about all of the products that she puts out (SuzanneSomers.com). She's making enough money to own her own private jet which surprised Howard. Suzanne said she and her husband Alan are flying to Italy for a vacation and they'll be alone on the jet with each other. Howard figures she must get bored with him but she says she really does like the guy.

Suzanne said she got a call from John Ritter after her cancer story came out. He apologized to her about blocking her out of his life after she left ''Three's Company'' over a contract dispute. She just wonders why he didn't back her up when she was trying to get more money back then.

Howard wrapped up the interview by saying a little prayer for Suzanne. Of course it was a funny prayer about saving Suzanne's beautiful breasts. ''Sam Kinison'' begged Jesus to bring her to him down in hell. He told Suzanne that he'll leave some guest passes for her at the door.

Temptation Island's Chris Cowan Calls In. 5/22/01. 8:45am
One of the producers of Temptation Island, Chris Cowan, called in to talk to Howard about the upcoming season of the FOX TV show. He wanted to get the word out that they're casting for the next season. If you're interested you can call toll-free at 1-866-820-5109 to try and get on the show where they try to rip apart relationships by tempting the couples with other single people.
Howard told Chris that he loved the show and it was great to see hot looking couples getting torn apart by other hot looking people.

Howard told Chris that this chick Mandy who was on the show came on his show and told a couple of lies about getting offers from Playboy and some record company for a record deal. He told Chris that he'd like to see them follow her around now to see what she's up to and whether or not she's still lying about this stuff. Chris said he's heard that she got her own MTV series that she's going to get paid very well for.

Chris also told Howard that they'll do a reunion show sometime next season to see what everyone is up to. He told Howard that they've had 4000 single people apply to be on the next season but they're still looking for more couples to apply. He said they have to do a lot of research to find out if the couples are real couples. Howard told Chris that they have to watch that because they don't know if the people are just trying to get on the show to be famous.

Howard gave Chris a couple of suggestions for the new season. He told him to have people of opposite sex room together so they're forced to be more tempted than usual. He also said they could have a lesbian couple and crap like that. Chris said the format will be different than the last season. They're stretching it from 2 weeks to 4 weeks of temptation which should help a bit. He didn't give many other details though. He did say that the show will run 10 weeks instead of 7 this time.

Chris was kissing Howard's ass telling him that he's a genius. Howard laughed and said that it's funny when the producer of Temptation Island tells him he's a genius when they're both worthless in show business.

Howard told Chris that he would love to see a celebrity Temptation Island. That would be a tough one to put together because all of the stars would want money. Chris said there's not even a grand prize in the show as it is now. Getting laid is about the biggest prize the contestants can get. Howard wrapped up the interview and kissed Chris' ass a little bit like Chris did earlier. He then said that they both had smoke up their asses after that.

Killing Time. 5/22/01. 9:20am
Howard was going to spend some time goofing on the Daytime Emmy awards but he only got around to one clip. He played a clip in which Rosie O'Donnell thanks her girlfriend for helping her out in the hospital while her hand was recovering from an infection. Howard said that the girlfriend had to save that finger because it's like a penis for her One of the commercials Howard heard during a break was for this ''Dharma & Greg'' season finale. He said the show is supposed to be a comedy but when he played the commercial it's turned into a drama for the finale. Howard asked Robin if she even knows anyone who watches the horrible show. Neither of them know of anyone who does.
A 42 year old guy called in and told Howard that he sent his book of poetry to Lisa Ling who's on ''The View'' and she didn't write back to him. Howard told him of course she didn't write back, he's probably on her stalker list. Howard goofed on the guy for being 42 and sending a book of poetry to some chick on TV to get her picture. The guy said that he's handicapped because he has fibro mialgia so it's tough to get chicks. Howard basically told the guy to just give up on the whole thing. The guy read some of his poetry and Howard ended up goofing on that for a little bit too. He then told the guy that Lisa called him and said she's using his book for toilet paper.

Howard had tape of a band that the kid who played ''Screech'' on ''Saved by the Bell'' is in now. He played a little clip and said that The Losers might have to take ''Screech'' on in a Battle of the Bands like he's done with other celebrities. ''Screech'', aka Dustin Diamond, plays the bass in the band and a woman is the lead singer. After listening to a few seconds of the song Howard said he has to meet this lead singer chick. He listened a little more and thought that the singer might actually be a guy.

Someone who saw Howard in a restaurant the other day called in to goof on him about how he treats his woman. The guy said that Howard doesn't open the door for his girlfriend. Howard said that's true but it's because she doesn't want him to open the door for her. She doesn't want to deal with that whole thing for some reason. Howard told the guy that he's been dating his girlfriend for almost a year now so he ain't doing that bad. This led to Howard talking about how people stare at him all the time when he goes out. KC came in and said that he was out with Howard the other day and some guy just stared at Howard the whole time they were eating. Howard said he even stared back at the guy and he wouldn't stop. He didn't say anything to him though.

Howard complained about General Manager Tom Chiusano bugging him during the last break. Howard said Tom came in and just started talking about how he was in Montana doing some fly fishing for a few days. He ended up bringing in a bunch of pictures that Howard didn't care about seeing. Robin said Tom also caught her out in the hallway and showed her the pictures. Howard said he just wanted to think about what he was going to do next on the show and Tom is showing him panoramic photos he took out in Montana. Tom also claimed that an American Indian tour guide had a pot roach in his ashtray. Tom felt like being wild on vacation so he didn't say anything about it to the guy. Gary came in and said when Tom started showing Howard the pictures he quietly backed out of the room so he wouldn't have to see them. He said Howard then called him over to look at them but he said he'd see them later out in the hall. Tom also told a quick boring story about getting lost on the dirt roads around the river he was going to be fishing in. Tom said he was lost and thought he'd come back to find his fishing partner dead on the side of the road or something. Howard was bored with the whole thing again so he finally moved on to let Robin do her news.