CLASSIC The Howard Stern Show - May 24th 2001

-- Thursday May 24, 2001 --
Various Stuff. 5/24/01. 6:05am
Howard said he had some problems with his butt yesterday. He went out to Long Island to visit the kids in the afternoon and came back in the evening. He took a shower and prepared to sit down to watch the season finale of ''Dawson's Creek'' but his girlfriend came over. He said when she came over he felt the need to move his bowels. He hated to do it after showering but he had to. He said it turned into a mess and he had to wet down some toilet paper to ''dam up'' his butt with water. He said he didn't want to smell like ass all night. He said he should have showered. He told Robin his ass was itching this morning because he didn't clean up completely by showering again. He said it was ruining his day already. Howard said that's what happens when you start dating. He said when you're married you can do whatever you want, leave the bathroom door open and not even worry about the stink.
Gary ended up coming in to talk about their latest batch of interns. He was telling Howard how they're all new and still learning how to do everything. He said they have to train them all to answer phones and stuff like that. Gary said he once asked to get a full time paid person to answer phones for the show because the interns don't always do that great of a job. He was turned down and the owner of the company got pissed at him over the whole thing. Meanwhile, the interns were asking Milton Berle how to spell his name and just pissing him off.

Yesterday Robin mentioned that NBC had done a study of ''The Sopranos'' to figure out why it's so popular. Some guy just wrote an article talking about how NBC would have screwed up ''The Sopranos'' if they'd gotten a hold of it instead of HBO. He said they probably would have called it ''Tony's World'' and it would have been full of pretty guys and pretty women instead of the ''real'' looking people that are actually on the show.

Late in the show yesterday Howard played a Gary Garver interview with Joe Pesci. He replayed that this morning.

Chris Marshall Survives TV Marriage Show. 5/24/01. 6:40am
This guy Chris called in this morning to talk to Howard about how he got out of getting married on this shotgun marriage TV show. He was surprised to show up on this TV show a few weeks ago just to have his girlfriend beg him to marry her right there on national TV. Chris told her that he didn't want to get married that way and he'd rather hold off and talk about a real wedding. Long story short, he didn't marry her and they've broken up since the TV show. Howard told the guy that there is hope for mankind because this guy didn't get suckered into getting married. Howard said the guy thought fast and backed out before it was too late.
Chris said that he still needs to get some of his stuff from his ex-girlfriends house before she hears about this appearance. He knows she'll be pissed. Howard said that the whole concept of the marriage show is just desperate. The woman sounds really desperate begging the guy to marry him. Howard played tape of the TV show where they do their segment. She's crying talking about how he's afraid to get married. Howard interrupted it and said ''He's not afraid, he's sane!'' Howard told Chris that he made the right decision. He then played the tape from ''Carnal Knowledge'' where Jack Nicholson yells at his wife to clean up the house. He told Chris that his life would probably be like that in 5 years if he'd married this chick. Howard then played the tape of Chris turning her down. The audience gasped when he said he couldn't marry her that night. Howard said it was the most insane TV he's seen.

Chris said that he thinks there might still be a chance that they get back together someday but right now they're not even talking to each other. Howard decided to give this guy some prizes since he was the real winner in this whole thing. Gary told Howard they could give him a $250 gift certificate and some stuff from the ReggieJackson.com web site.

KISS Price Is Right. 5/24/01. 7:10am
Comedian Craig Gass has been doing a Gene Simmons from KISS impression lately and he's always mentioning all of the products they sell. Someone forwarded a bunch of pages from the KISS web site with prices of the crap they sell. Howard would mention something and everyone would try to guess how much it cost. Robin was really good at it and she came very close on a lot of the prices. Howard did this for a few minutes and goofed on the whole idea of selling the stuff to their fans.
Howard was getting ready to take a break when he mentioned that he doesn't have to ''spank his meats'' anymore now that he has a girlfriend. That amazed some people but we all know that doesn't last. Howard changed the subject to his old house and how they just opened up the pool for the season. He misses the pool a lot. Vinnie Favale, who was sitting in this morning, just had a pool put in. He said it was a one day job where they put in a fiberglass 36' foot long pool. He said it's only 4.5 feet deep though. Howard wondered why he'd do something crazy like that. Vinnie can't swim! He didn't want a deep end but Howard wonders what visitors will do in the pool. Howard pointed out that he's 6'5'' tall so his legs might get wet in that pool but that's about it. Since Robin can't swim either someone came up with the idea to have a pool race between Vinnie and Robin. Howard thinks that would be pretty funny.

Playboy TV's Kira Reed Comes In. 5/24/01. 8:00am
Howard said he wanted to have this woman Kira Reed come in so they could yell at her about Playboy TV. Howard complained that Playboy has been putting too much long form TV on and not enough porn.
Kira came in with no underwear and a short dress. Howard said he could see right up there every time she crossed her legs. Howard spent some time talking to Kira about the work she does on Playboy. She was in to promote ''Sexy Urban Legends'' which airs Sunday's at 10pm. She also hosts ''Sexcetera'' and she's been in quite a few Playboy movies. Kira told Howard that she and her husband do all kinds of stuff on their web site MarriedCouple.com also. She said that she does stuff with other women and even other guys on the site. Kira's friend Taimie was also there. Howard had her come in because Kira said they do stuff together. Howard said Taimie was really hot as was Kira. He spent some time talking to them and found out they'd be willing to spank each other. The two of them have done some movies together.

Howard eventually had Kira take her clothes off and she played with herself a little bit. She told Howard she enjoys anal sex and she likes when guys lick her down there.

Howard spoke to Kira about this ''Sexy Urban Legends'' for a short time and everyone shared some urban legend stories for a couple of minutes. He eventually got back to the sex thing and had the two of the girls spank each other before he spanked them himself. He did that for a little while and listened to Kira's story of seducing a college teacher she had. He used that as a scenario for when he spanked Kira. He spanked her until her ass turned bright red and then did the same to Taimie. After doing all of that for a half hour or so he wrapped up the segment. You can find out more about Kira at KiraDance.com and Playboy.com as well as the MarriedCouple.com site.

Mark Harris' Insanity. 5/24/01. 8:50am
The former husband of Martha Ray, Mark Harris, must be insane. He has been on the show many times in the past and he stays in contact with Vinnie Favale who was sitting in today. Vinnie took a call from Mark and recorded the conversation. During the call they discuss Mark taking Jackie's job. Vinnie asks Mark to do stuff that Jackie used to do. Mark did a goofy laugh, he made fun of Robin and other crap like that. Then Vinnie tells Mark that Jackie once let someone eat a marshmallow out of his ass to get his band played on the show. Mark said there's no way he'd do anything like that for the money they were going to offer him. Howard only played a few minutes of the call but he said it went on for about 30 minutes.
Comedian Robert Schimmel Comes In. 5/24/01. 9:01AM
Comedian Bob Schimmel came in to talk to Howard this morning. Howard mentioned that Bob had a sitcom all lined up not that long ago and then he got cancer and got separated from his wife. Everything kind of fell apart for a while but things are coming back for him. Howard said 51 year old Bob is still with his 27 year old girlfriend. He's looking better than the last time he saw him but he's still undergoing cancer treatments. Bob said when they diagnosed him in June 2000 they said he'd only have a few months to live without chemotherapy.
Bob always has great stories to tell and Howard told him to talk about meeting Jackie Mason last night. Bob said he ran into the old comedian and said hello to him. Jackie said ''hi'' but said he was looking horrible. Bob told him about his illness and how he got separated from his wife. A little while later Jackie introduced him to a couple of friends of his... as Howie Mandel! Bob didn't bother telling him that he wasn't Howie. Jackie asked him what hotel he was staying in and what name he was under. Bob said that he was under Robert Schimmel. Jackie thought it's a name he stays under but his buddies told him that Robert Schimmel is his real name, Howie Mandel is just his stage name! Bob said he never did tell Jackie that he wasn't Howie and he didn't show up for dinner. Bob said he told his agent all of this and his agent thought that he should have let them know so they don't go around telling people that Howie has cancer.

Bob can't talk too much about his wife anymore. He said he was in court last week because his wife wanted a gag order put on him. She claims he said some stuff about her that he didn't and now she's got a gag order on him. He said he doesn't really care, he'll still talk about what's going on. He says he's sunk about $70,000 in legal fees so far and they're not done yet. He managed to get custody of his 3 kids and they all live in a penthouse apartment in Beverly Hills right now. Bob said he took over the place that used to be Playboy Playmate of the Year Brande Roderick's. He said he sleeps in the same bedroom that she used to sleep in.

Howard was amazed that Bob got custody of his kids. Bob said that's one of the things they're fighting over in court. That and the house he owns in Phoenix.

Bob's girlfriend Melissa called in and talked to Howard for a short time. She told Howard how they met and eventually hooked up. She's now working for some Hollywood producer as a personal assistant. Bob said that he didn't plan on falling in love with this woman but he's not going to feel bad about it. He said he doesn't know how much longer he's going to live and he wants to enjoy the rest of his life. Howard felt the conversation was getting a little too heavy by that point.

Bob told Howard about his appearance on Conan O'Brien's show the other night and how they bleeped some of his jokes about his balls. Howard thought it was ridiculous that the did that but Bob did get one good joke out. He said he wrapped up the set by saying that he'd ''...licked the big C... and cancer too.'' The people on the show wondered what the big C stood for.

Robert will be appearing up in Boston at the Comedy Connection this Friday and Saturday. He'll also be out in Vegas next week. You can find out more about where he'll be at Romp.com in Bob's area of the site.

Bob Hung around for the rest of the show to comment on some of the news stories that Robin brought up.